so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
