If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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