And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize