I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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