your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
