so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize