Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
