I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
