Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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