OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
