We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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