i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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