somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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