i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
