Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize