I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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