I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
