Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
