we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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