I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Randomize
