if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
