also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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