Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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