im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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