you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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