Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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