He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
