Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
