Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
