This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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