From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
