so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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