he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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