Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
