Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
