Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
