He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
