the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
