Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
