there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
