It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
