Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize