just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I understand Curling. That high.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
