I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
