he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
