I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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