My friends, they love my intelligence
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
