Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
