Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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