Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
