Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize