Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
