I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
