yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize