i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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