If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
