My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
