i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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