It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
