Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
