and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
