she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
