Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
