you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
