dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
