I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
