Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
