His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
