OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
